Is It Ever Really "Gone"?

By "It" I mean Amelia's heart defect. John and I seem to have a battle between "it's over and gone" and "she will always have a heart defect". I'm sure you can guess that I am the latter of the two opinions. When I tell people about Amelia's heart defect, I never know whether to say "has" or "had". She has a "different" heart....she will always have a different heart. Her mitral and tricuspid valves are her own tissues, but they are artificially created. She has a patch between the two atria and a patch between the two ventricles. This tells me her defect is never "gone"; her valves could leak; she still has holes at the site where they sutured the patches and these holes could never heal and may need to be fixed...how can I not think about her heart every single day?
We went to the Pediatrician today to get Amelia's second flu shot. The good news: she didn't cry one bit (which shocked the nurse and made his day!); the bad news: she's lost a little bit of weight (only a few ounces). Of course, the first thing I think is "is her heart ok"? I have to stop and remind myself that she was weighed on a different scale last time, she has been more mobile, her eating is not "perfect" in that it's not a strict amount of formula each day because she is eating less formula and more "big" people food now. My mind still flips around between the "what ifs".
It's hard, as a mom, to not think about the "what ifs" all of the time. I can't imagine what I would do if I did not have Amelia in my life. I looked at her today and said "thank you for being my daughter. I don't know what I did in life to deserve you, but I am so glad I did it." I honestly thank God every day that I did something right in His eyes and he blessed John and I with my "Mia Bella", my "Mia Bedia", my angel, my "pretty pretties".
I would never wish what our family has been through on my worst enemy. Some people think I am "dwelling" on her heart defect by starting a chapter and working with It's My Heart. I see it as an opportunity to help other families in the same situation and to hopefully see the day that no family and no child EVER have to experience a CHD.
I guess I have answered my own question. No, it is never "gone". It is never going to be something I don't think about ~ but I don't dwell, I let it allow me to love my daughter that much more and to support and empathize with others in the same situation.

Where has a year gone?

In keeping with my "holy cow, Amelia is almost one" theme....today I made a "Save the Date" email for her first birthday. I still can't grasp the fact that she is going to be one in just over 2 months. I remember last year at this time I had just had my baby shower and I was SO ready to meet my baby girl. I spent nine months wishing for time to go faster and now I have spent the last 9 months wishing it would sloooowww doooowwnn. I enjoy spending time with Amelia and I miss her when she goes to bed at night! She has such a cute personality - she is "dancing" when she hears music or we sing to her; she claps her hands when you say "yay, Amelia!"; she drinks from a straw; she is starting to eat "big girl" food (she had hummus for the first time today and loved it); and she is babbling like crazy. I feel like I am going to wake up tomorrow and she is going to be 16 and wanting the car keys. I am so excited to see the person she is going to become, but at the same time I am so sad that I can't just freeze frame our life right now. I just do what I can to make every moment mean something and to enjoy every millisecond with my little girl.

Growing Up Too Fast!!

My baby girl...anyone have a "pause" button for life? I'd sure love to use it.