Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Is It Ever Really "Gone"?

By "It" I mean Amelia's heart defect. John and I seem to have a battle between "it's over and gone" and "she will always have a heart defect". I'm sure you can guess that I am the latter of the two opinions. When I tell people about Amelia's heart defect, I never know whether to say "has" or "had". She has a "different" heart....she will always have a different heart. Her mitral and tricuspid valves are her own tissues, but they are artificially created. She has a patch between the two atria and a patch between the two ventricles. This tells me her defect is never "gone"; her valves could leak; she still has holes at the site where they sutured the patches and these holes could never heal and may need to be can I not think about her heart every single day?
We went to the Pediatrician today to get Amelia's second flu shot. The good news: she didn't cry one bit (which shocked the nurse and made his day!); the bad news: she's lost a little bit of weight (only a few ounces). Of course, the first thing I think is "is her heart ok"? I have to stop and remind myself that she was weighed on a different scale last time, she has been more mobile, her eating is not "perfect" in that it's not a strict amount of formula each day because she is eating less formula and more "big" people food now. My mind still flips around between the "what ifs".
It's hard, as a mom, to not think about the "what ifs" all of the time. I can't imagine what I would do if I did not have Amelia in my life. I looked at her today and said "thank you for being my daughter. I don't know what I did in life to deserve you, but I am so glad I did it." I honestly thank God every day that I did something right in His eyes and he blessed John and I with my "Mia Bella", my "Mia Bedia", my angel, my "pretty pretties".
I would never wish what our family has been through on my worst enemy. Some people think I am "dwelling" on her heart defect by starting a chapter and working with It's My Heart. I see it as an opportunity to help other families in the same situation and to hopefully see the day that no family and no child EVER have to experience a CHD.
I guess I have answered my own question. No, it is never "gone". It is never going to be something I don't think about ~ but I don't dwell, I let it allow me to love my daughter that much more and to support and empathize with others in the same situation.


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